And now, another episode of. . ."Birthday Similes!" aka "B-Day Be Like. . ."

Birthdays are like attempted suicides. Just one lonely person getting a little closer to death.

Birthdays are like funerals. It’s supposed to be about you, but it’s really all about the partygoers and how their day is going.  

Birthdays are like road trips. You pass a few important milestones, and then you’re like, “fuck it, let’s just wing it from here on out.”    

Birthdays are like ghosts. They come out once a year and remind you of your mortality.*

Birthdays are like poops. When you’re a kid they’re an accomplishment, when you’re an adult they’re just routine.

Birthdays are like séances.  Lots of candles, and always one annoying bitch gets possessed by the spirit and tries to surprise you by jumping up and screaming.  

*Ghosts can enter the world of the living only on Halloween. Ooooooh.

The UNIVERSE is probably shaped like a donut. Just saying.

(A 3D circle of life. So beautiful in so many ways. *sigh*)

A: To be frank, I hate seagulls. They are the most disgusting, vulturous animal I can think of. At the beach once, a seagull flew right by my face and took an entire sandwich from my hand.

Frank: How dare you! I would never say that.

Is it just me, or do you see "penis" every time you see the word "panini?" Like, they're not really spelled the same, but I feel like "penis" should be spelled "panini." That seems nice and pleasant.

On Fitting In

I saw a tan lizard scurrying up a tan wall and I was all, "Is that lizard the exact shade of the wall, or can he change color to blend in? Does he belong there or is he trying to hide so he can get away? Is he happy there or does he wish he was green on a leaf or like pink on a flower or something?"

And it was all, like, a real life metaphor for me, or whatever.

A word used ubiquitously (my word of the day) but not often used correctly, today I felt truly AWKWARD: 

Try holding, and making silly faces at, a baby, while having an entirely cold-war-style fight (no blows, just boiling blood) with the mother. (Someone else handed her to me.) 

Let's just say, eye contact was avoided. 

(Awk city, bitch. Awk, awk, city bitch. . .)